Final Mouse

Stop. Drop. Survive.

My origin story never had choice. I began and met my end many times at the hands of the controllers, programmers, and agents of chaos under MK Ultra. The story arc of villains, victims, and vengeance leads to the ultimate survival…the final mouse standing.

Let’s leave behind the cliché of a journey and how the challenges transformed me. There is no love for the path of MK Ultra. Mind control choked the life out of me.

There is no truth without the lies. Was I strong? Was I liked? Was I always a good person? I can’t make up a false narrative to satisfy others. No amount of exaggeration will lead to a fabled hero. The playroom at Nowhere Psychiatric was the initial point of tension. The programmers coordinated each instance of abuse and trauma to seal my edges tight. No light entered that source of pain.

I was never permitted to grow up. They kept us locked in an age of childhood trauma. My alters shifted constantly at the demand of the programmers, a never-ending momentum of kill. Each end was abrupt and unending together. They hid Olivia far away…sleeping awake and sleeping through life.

Olivia was half hidden. My alters did not want to be loved. I was a history of mystery, strange and twisted, a morning star, a shattered heart. The sun always comes up for a near death lover…an omega shadow. I wake up to rot. I fall asleep to live.

It was all darkness that led me to my evolution. I dodged each path of peril. Was there a turning point? A glaring portal of light? A savior? A warrior cutting down the cage around me? Never. No one came. There was only more betrayal, more cuts, more rage.

The left door led me to breath fire…of red fury, venom, spite, and smoldering contempt. Everything made me question myself, my emotions, my reason for being. This experience was no gift.

Letting me remember who I am was their biggest mistake and a dangerous choice. I will never have enough of shadows. The light will not envelope me and erase my pain. The bright star is my strength in survival. I will not give up. This world is meant for answers now. I will end their lies with my own ghost story. I will always be here to tell the truth, my spirit, my truth… a final mouse.

I will never stop searching. Full disclosure is the way!

Olivia James